Daisy Jones, editor of British Vogue, writes about the new social tension surrounding ChatGPT in dating, relationships, and everyday communication. In this piece, she explores why using ChatGPT to write bios on dating apps, ask for advice during arguments, and find answers to the simplest of everyday questions is increasingly seen not as a convenient tool but as a red flag. Through personal stories, people’s experiences, and the broader cultural context, the author asks a simple but very relevant question: has the use of ChatGPT become one of the most controversial topics when it comes to sincerity, independence, emotional maturity, and trust in relationships?
Joaquin Phoenix in the movie “Her”, 2013
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Eilidh, 30, was texting with a man on a dating app, and things were going well. He was nice. Just her type. They set up a date, and she was looking forward to it. But then she noticed something she hadn’t seen before. In his profile, he mentioned that he had used ChatGPT to write his bio. “I immediately deleted him from my matches,” she says. “If a person can’t even think for themselves, how can they be attentive to you? It’s also a very worrying sign that people don’t care about the impact AI is having on the planet.”
She's far from alone. As ChatGPT and similar technologies gradually become part of our daily lives, people seem to have divided into two camps: those who rely on it for everything from “creative” ideas to writing breakup messages, and those who see such overreliance as a major downside. “Last summer, I started talking to a guy in a cafe who seemed nice to me,” says Neil, 35. “In less than five minutes, he told me he was using ChatGPT to help him 'figure out how to talk to Italians.' Congratulations, you idiot. Shortly after that confession, I said goodbye and left.”
After talking to different people for this piece, some patterns began to emerge. Daters felt that using ChatGPT for tasks that the human brain could easily handle on its own, like thinking through an argument or deciding what to wear, was a sign of inner weakness. It’s hardly an attractive trait. Stephanie, 36, told Vogue that she thought it showed emotional immaturity and “a lack of leadership skills.” “It feels like someone is trying to cheat and avoid doing real work. If they’re using AI to get advice on how to feel, how to react, how to behave in different situations… I think we humans should figure things out on our own. We shouldn’t rely on AI to tell us what to do and how to think.”
A frame from the series “And just like that…”
The use of AI is not just off-putting to potential partners. It has also become a problem that is causing resentment in long-term relationships. One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, told me that her boyfriend has become “obsessed” with it. “I worry that if we get into an argument, he’ll ask ChatGPT what to do and how to resolve the conflict… He also uses it to find answers to simple questions like ‘how to make a spicy margarita,’ and that’s off-putting to me.” Others have admitted to feeling frustrated with long-term friendships for the same reasons. “I found out he even texts ChatGPT when he goes to the bathroom, and it tells him if his scores are above average for the month,” one man says with astonishment.
Everyone I spoke to was sceptical about the very idea of asking AI to perform even the simplest tasks, given its already well-documented environmental impact. One study, published in the journal Patterns, estimates that AI’s water use is equivalent to the world’s total consumption of bottled water. For many, the sheer indifference to how AI is affecting the planet is enough to be repulsive. “You’re killing the planet because you’re too lazy to do any introspection,” says Stephanie. Neelu agrees: “It’s so humiliating to me. It’s like you’ve decided to hand over your thinking skills to an evil, dumb machine that’s using up our limited supply of fresh water.”
It’s also worth noting that AI chatbots are far from unbiased. A recent study published in the journal Science found that 11 leading language models were highly flattering and approved of users’ actions 49 percent more often than humans, “including instances involving deception, illegal acts, or other harm.” According to the study, even one interaction with an AI reduced participants’ willingness to take responsibility or admit they might be wrong. To me, this is the biggest red flag when it comes to relying on ChatGPT for emotional and social support or advice. The need to be approved of by a robot is not an attractive human trait. And it’s definitely not something I would personally look for in a person I was considering building a relationship with.
While the use of AI in general has been met with strong distaste by most people I’ve spoken to, there have been some exceptions. A friend of mine said that for him, as a neurotypical, AI has been a useful tool. “Some neurotypicals can use ChatGPT to understand exactly what someone is saying,” he said. “I sometimes use it when I’m trying to understand the implication of a sentence that’s not quite finished.” However, he admits, “I wouldn’t use AI for social situations.” That’s the point: using AI for things that a person can easily do themselves is cringeworthy. It’s fine if you’re actually using it to optimize your life. It’s a shame if you’re not.
As our dependence on AI spreads and intensifies, only time will tell how attitudes toward its use will change in the future, especially among younger generations, for whom these technologies are as familiar as search engines were to older generations. Yet it is already clear that, at least on a social and romantic level, the cultural resistance is not going away anytime soon. “It’s a little scary that people are using AI as a guide to human communication,” says a woman whose boyfriend has become addicted to AI. “It’s going to create a generation of socially awkward and relationship-disoriented people who have no idea how to write even a basic letter to their boss to let them know they’re sick.”
Based on material from vogue.co.uk