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Jelly Roll and Bunnie Xo are finished. Following Bunnie’s public statement about their struggles and her open acknowledgment of infidelity, after what appeared to be one of country music’s most steadfast romances spanning years, their marriage is concluding.
And the commentary has already begun. She pardoned him too swiftly. He never truly transformed. She ought to have departed long ago. He should have pleaded more fervently.
I wish to approach this more deliberately. I’ve counseled numerous couples who, from an external perspective, presented a very similar picture. Public recommitment. Public displays of affection. Tattoos, songs, anniversary tributes. And then, quietly, divorce papers filed three or five years down the line.
There’s a valid reason why “we overcame it” so often proves insufficient. And it has very little to do with the authenticity of their love.
The Unseen Third Party
In terms of attachment, an affair is more than just an action. It signifies the integration of a third entity into the primary relationship. And this core connection thrives on two fundamental assurances that your nervous system requires for security: I am your main focus. I am sufficient for you.
An affair instantaneously communicates to your partner’s body that both of these crucial elements are now uncertain. This isn’t about lingering on the past; it’s the body instinctively assessing for potential harm.
Furthermore, people often misjudge the magnitude of the damage. They perceive an affair as a singular act of betrayal. This is rarely the case. There’s the affair itself, and then a cascade of six or seven associated injuries. You deceived me directly. You made me feel foolish. You took her to the place we designated as “ours.” You declared your love for me on a night I now realize you were communicating with her. You maintained a separate existence that excluded me.
Compounding this, the partner who was betrayed loses their sense of stability. They re-examine past holidays, anniversaries, declarations of love, and find themselves unable to discern what was genuine. This creates a disorienting sensation akin to vertigo.
Now, consider the most agonizing aspect. The very individual perceived as the source of their hurt is also the person they desperately seek comfort from. This situation is profoundly destabilizing and represents the emotional space Jelly Roll and Bunnie occupied, the same challenging environment I observe couples navigating weekly.
The Cycle That Undermines Marriages Years Later
Here’s the pattern I witness that leads to the dissolution of couples who have “undertaken the necessary work.”
They seek guidance two, three, or sometimes five years after the affair. They have remained together. They claim to be “well.” They are once again sharing their lives publicly. And then, periodically, intense arguments erupt. He is late. He positions his phone defensively. She is immediately drawn back into the trauma, reiterating her questions with escalating emotion.
He responds with a sigh and a slump, stating, “Seriously, are we revisiting this? I’ve offered countless apologies.”
She reacts with anger.
I refer to this as the “Never Forget, Never Forgiven” cycle. It is the insidious saboteur of post-affair relationships. From an outside view, the eye-roll might appear as indifference. However, upon closer examination, it reveals a person overwhelmed by fear. Their nervous system isn’t processing a request for reassurance; it’s registering a profound message: “You are fundamentally flawed. You will always be flawed. Your freedom from this judgment is unattainable, regardless of your actions.”
The eye-roll is not an indication of arrogance but rather of deep-seated despair. It signifies the surrender of an individual who feels they are enduring a perpetual sentence within their own marriage.
To determine if you and your partner are caught in such a cycle, consider taking a complimentary relationship assessment. Sometimes, an external perspective is invaluable in identifying these patterns.
Shame: The True Destroyer of Marriages
The most significant impediment to healing after an affair is not a deficiency of love, but rather the pervasive presence of shame.
The partner who strayed is often engulfed by distress. Witnessing their partner’s tears confirms their most profound self-doubts: I am a malevolent force. I cause destruction. I am undeserving. Consequently, when their partner begins to cry or poses further questions, they withdraw internally, thinking, “I cannot confront this; I am utterly inadequate.”
This withdrawal is catastrophic. When one retreats into the belief of being “bad,” the focus shifts entirely to oneself. The partner is once again abandoned amidst their pain, left to navigate the emotional fallout while the other succumbs to guilt for initiating it.
Simultaneously, the betrayed partner isn’t seeking retribution. They are seeking confirmation. Are you still committed? Do you still comprehend the gravity of this? Is the environment secure? When their partner turns away, their sense of safety disintegrates, prompting them to escalate their expressions of distress. They need their partner to acknowledge their suffering to validate their own reality and avoid feeling irrational. This is a classic manifestation of attachment trauma, and the reactive behaviors of both individuals unfortunately prevent either from receiving the validation they need.
A more constructive approach, in my professional experience, involves more than just “increased communication.” It requires specific actions.
Firstly, the connection with the third party must be definitively severed. There can be no lingering ambiguity regarding their involvement. Addressing the underlying issues is impossible while the immediate crisis remains active.
Secondly, the notion of “mutual fault” should be temporarily suspended. For a period, the focus of responsibility must be unilateral. One individual initiated the betrayal; the other endured the immediate aftermath. Asking the betrayed partner to acknowledge their “role” prematurely can feel like invalidation, and indeed, it often is.
Thirdly, the individual who committed the infidelity must fundamentally alter their internal perspective. Currently, their self-assessment might be dominated by 100% self-recrimination. This needs to shift to incorporate 20% self-reflection and 80% focused empathy for their partner’s profound emotional distress, maintaining presence with that pain without evasion.
This third step is critical for breaking the destructive cycle, yet it is the step that most couples struggle to fully implement.
A Statement I Wish I Could Have Conveyed Earlier
I have no personal acquaintance with Jelly Roll and Bunnie. I make no pretense of having such knowledge. However, I have observed this pattern of relationship dissolution numerous times, and it is seldom attributable to a lack of genuine affection. More often, it is the result of a cycle that has become too exhausting to sustain.
Forgiveness is not a singular achievement but an ongoing commitment that both individuals must actively choose, even on ordinary days, when unobserved, when the question arises anew and a decision must be made regarding their reaction.
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Figs O’Sullivan, the founder of Empathi, and his wife, Teale, are a husband-and-wife team of couples therapists based in San Francisco. They are recognized relationship experts for high-profile individuals and the tech industry, the creators of Empathi, and the developers of Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their extensive clinical experience.*