The concept, inspired by the psychology of relationships, helps you visually see the nature of your relationship with a person, understand how much they value you, and at the same time regain your sense of self-importance. Here's how it works.
Chair Theory: A Simple Way to Understand Your Value in a Relationship
What others think of us should not be a cause for concern. Yet, when we care about a certain person, their behavior toward us becomes an important guide. Not so much to understand their opinion as such, but rather to realize the value they place on us and to determine our own behavior accordingly.
Advertising.
One simple method based on the psychology of relationships is the chair theory. It helps us understand what role we play in a relationship, how important we are to the other person, and how to regain our proper value in that relationship. The name itself suggests the situation we need to imagine.
View this post on Instagram
What is the chair theory?
Imagine the person you are in a relationship with: they are sitting at a table on a chair. This table is their entire world: their life, their hobbies, everything that defines them. When you approach this table, two scenarios are possible:
Scenario 1
The person immediately offers you another chair to sit next to. She makes room, moves her things aside to accommodate you. You don't even have to ask. They notice you, they see you, and they want you to be a part of their world.
Scenario 2
The person looks at you, but doesn't offer you a chair, doesn't make room for you—they just watch you, leaving you standing. If you want to get closer, you'll have to ask for it yourself, maybe even beg for permission to sit next to you.
View this post on Instagram
Are you really at “your” table?
If in a relationship you have to ask permission to be near, if you do not feel sincerely accepted and desired, if the “chair” appears only after your requests – most likely, you are at the wrong table. People from the second scenario rarely take the initiative to help, take the needs of another for granted, support only minimally and often only after asking. They do not seek to understand, do not truly appreciate. If you have to ask for a chair to be near, it means that they never wanted to give it to you. And if you are constantly “standing”, while the other person is “sitting”, – you are at the wrong table. And, probably, an unhealthy or unbalanced interaction.
View this post on Instagram
A healthy relationship based on mutual value fits the first scenario: you don't have to ask—a seat is offered naturally and sincerely. This “seat” is reliable, stable, and unconditional. In such a world, you are wanted, accepted, and valued.
How to interpret the chair theory
If you recognize yourself in the second scenario, this is already an important step towards awareness. The next step is to stop “asking for a chair,” that is, to stop demanding love, attention, or recognition from a person who is not ready to give them. A chair is a sign of respect. If it is not offered to you, it is worth turning around and leaving. There are other “tables” where you will be welcomed. And the one you are at right now is definitely not worth your presence.
Based on material from: Vogue.it