Sherlock played by Benedict Cumberbatch from the series of the same name, Otis from Sex Education, Wednesday Addams, plus the geniuses who have passed away – Nikola Tesla and Isaac Newton. All of these are real examples of how life without sex can be exciting. On the occasion of International Asexuality Day, we recall the material of Vogue UA, which explores the topic of asexuality.
The fourth type of sexuality: why asexuality is not a disease, but an identity
The three most common types of sexuality are heterosexuality (when a person is attracted only to members of the opposite sex), bisexuality (when they are attracted to both men and women), and homosexuality (when they are attracted to members of their own sex). Asexuality — the absence of sexual attraction — is the fourth type, which is also quite common: about one in every hundred people on the planet is considered to be one of them.
“I have a hard time every time someone pays attention to me. No one wants a relationship without sex, and I'm not interested in it,” says Marina, an account manager. “For me, touching a person is as pleasant as petting a cat. No, of course, I can make a concession and have sex, but I won't get any pleasure from it. And although I like to see that I bring pleasure to my partner, it's like sharing the last cookie.” People like Marina have never felt sexual desire in their lives or have lost it due to prolonged abstinence.
A still from the movie “The Olivia Experiment”
Celibacy or nature? Debunking myths about lack of attraction
Asexuality should not be confused with celibacy – conscious abstinence for religious or other reasons. Celibacy is as much a personal choice as running in the morning: a person may or may not run. Theoretically, an asexual can also have sex – if his partner wants it, under pressure from society or for the purpose of having children. But he does not need it. Asexuals do not feel sexual attraction as such – to any of the sexes and under any circumstances. An erection is possible, the instinct for procreation is there, the ability to have sexual intercourse is not lost – they simply do not want to.
In Search of Biomarkers: What Science Says About the Hypothalamus and Hormones
Some scientists have tried to present asexuality as a mental or physiological problem. But this turned out to be impossible: patients do not complain about anything (except that they are not easy in society), they are not bothered by the lack of libido. Moreover, not subject to hormonal surges, these people can live much more effectively. In 2014, Dr. Laurie Brotto from Columbia University studied 300 asexuals, 650 heterosexuals and 270 gays in an attempt to find biomarkers – specific characteristics of asexuality. The results showed that low libido and asexuality are not the same thing. Despite this, asexuality is often associated with reduced desire (hypolipidemia), which can have many causes: diseases such as hypoglycemia, conflicts with a partner, alcohol or drug addiction.
A still from the series “The Lobster”, the main characters of which were required to have a permanent partner, otherwise they went to a special institution in search of him.
Shadows of the past: psychological trauma and family systems as factors in asexuality
Anna Revunets, a psychologist at the Family Planning Center, says that asexuality can be instilled in a person in the womb – if the anterior hypothalamus is formed incorrectly. But it often has other reasons: negative sexual experience or delayed psychosexual development. People often explain asexuality by their beliefs, religion, creative sublimation, promises made to themselves or others, and do not always realize that the cause may be psychological trauma. “My client Lesya was a 27-year-old chaste girl,” says neuropsychologist Svitlana Mitrofanova. “Physiologically healthy, the psychiatrist found no problems. But I managed to find the underlying causes of her asexuality under hypnosis. It turned out that at the age of 10 she accidentally found her parents' pornographic tapes. She watched them with curiosity, lost her appetite, and then her sleep – at an early age the psyche is not prepared for the perception of adult pleasures. The parents were never able to identify the true cause of the stress, and the girl suffered a severe trauma, the consequences of which accompanied her for many years.”
Psychotherapist Irina Morozovskaya is sure that asexuality can be a trauma of the family system, when too little vital energy is passed on from ancestors to descendants. “When too many problems and mistakes have accumulated in the family system, the system tries to eliminate itself – and first of all, it takes away sex as an incentive to reproduce its own kind. Therefore, if anything can be done, it is only through working with family system arrangements,” she says. “I know very well what asexuality is,” says translator Ilona. “My parents lived in marriage for 30 years, and 29 of them were in hell. I was clearly conceived by a miracle, in the first year of the relationship. And the rest of the time, my hot romantic father went crazy and fell into severe depression, trying in vain to stir up my mother, who was a real iceberg. I would not wish this on anyone.” Anna Revunets says that in such cases, even injections of testosterone, the “hormone of desire,” would be pointless: “No one is capable of sexually attracting an asexual.”
Different temperaments in the same bed: how to build a relationship when sex is not a priority
“When we started dating,” says artist Alina, “I didn't immediately understand what the problem was: sex was infrequent, but it didn't bother me much at the time. My boyfriend's ideas that were close to my heart, his unique judgments, his appearance, and his sharp mind pleased me more than the friction. It was enough for me to walk every day, holding hands, and hug while watching the series. However, after six months, I started to feel stressed: tears and tantrums appeared out of nowhere. A psychotherapist taught me how to clear my head, and this saved me from a lot of problems. But the tantrums remained. Only two years later did it begin to dawn on me that the matter might be a simple lack of sex.”
Psychotherapist Irina Morozovskaya believes that if partners have very different temperaments, conflicts are inevitable. It will be very difficult for the temperamental half to come to terms with a sexual “service” from their partner. And turning pleasure into torment for one and dubious pleasure for the other is a notoriously unsuccessful idea. After another quarrel, the guy told Alina that he was asexual and too in love to confess, so he tried with all his might. They are trying to establish contact, but there are no sexual games, jokes, or even flirting in their relationship. Alina has stopped feeling attraction: “It's like I live with someone very close, but it's difficult to call it intimacy with a man. Rather, we are like two asexual beings. And the realization of this frightens me terribly. I suggested that he check his testosterone level, but he was terribly offended – and I understand him. I don't know how to live with this yet. I don't want to break up at all.”
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The “switch-on” effect: can meeting “your” person change everything?
Svetlana Mitrofanova says that in her practice there was a similar case, only the couple eventually broke up. But this story had a continuation: after breaking up with his girlfriend, an asexual guy met a woman who aroused in him a real sexual interest, a real animal passion. “The woman “turned on” the man, – says the psychologist. – Has there been a man in your life who “turned on” the woman in you? If not yet – perhaps he is somewhere and fate is preparing a meeting for you.” The European Institute of Family and Marriage assures that no less than 4.5% of married couples do not have sex. The vast majority of them are educated and successful people.
Living in a Sex Cult: How the Asexual Community Fights for Acceptance
Those who have realized their asexuality do not always live carefree: today, when sex has been turned into a cult, society is often not ready to accept them. To support each other, they create online portals, groups on social networks, forums, websites and communities, the largest of which is AVEN. Communities of like-minded people teach them to perceive the world focused on sex and sexual desire without stress, help them get together and share urgent problems, as well as find a partner. By the way, asexuals often fall in love and start families, have children – the only difference is that they engage in sex only for the sake of procreation. Asexuals have an international dating site acebook.net and a service for those who simply need “hugs” instead of sex – cuddlecomfort.com. But outside of specialized forums, asexuals are most often in no hurry to openly declare their orientation, since asexuality is even more difficult to explain than homosexuality. They are judged, pitied, and given unsolicited help and advice.
Photos from the asexual rally
The lack of attraction is mostly perceived by society as a serious deviation that can supposedly be cured – and you, they say, don't do it. Asexuals claim that due to societal pressure they have to fake having sexual experience, have sex, and simply keep quiet about their inclinations. It's easier and safer. Some try to “be treated,” and these few are usually brought to the doctor by their partners. Others are fine as is. Anna Revunets says that in such cases, pressure and insistence are useless: only those who believe they have a problem will go to a therapist.
What to read, watch, and listen to about asexuality
If you want to go beyond stereotypes and understand how the world of the “ace spectrum” works, start with these iconic works:
ACE book by Angela Chen
A deeply intellectual exploration, presented in the accessible form of a memoir, Angela Chen examines asexuality as a lens through which to see how society is overheated by sexual expectations. She asks uncomfortable but important questions: why we think sex is a necessary part of happiness, and how the concept of consent changes when attraction is absent.
Podcast: “Sounds Fake But Okay”
Hosts Sarah Costello and Maya Gertrude discuss everything from how to date if you're asexual to analyzing fictional characters with humor and ease. It's the perfect introduction to the subject for those who appreciate sincerity and modern slang.
Heartstopper series
Alice Osman, who is herself asexual and aromantic, has created one of the most heartwarming stories of our time. One of the characters, Isaac Henderson, goes through a journey of self-discovery as an asexual. It's an incredibly sensitive and honest representation that has been sorely lacking in popular culture.
AVEN (The Asexual Visibility and Education Network) educational platform
Founded by David Jay in 2001, the AVEN network has become the world's leading repository of knowledge. If you have a technical or physiological question about asexuality, the answer is sure to be found on the AVEN forums.
Digital activist Yasmine Benoit
A British model and activist who is busting the main myth: “asexuals can't be sexy.” She introduced the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike, proving that asexuality is a “firmware,” not an image or lack of temperament.